I've prayed and prayed that God would take this malice that I am feeling out of my heart but I still feel just as ugly about the situation as I did before. I want to yell and scream at him and ask him how he can be so horrible. How can he live with himself for treating his own flesh and blood this way? I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he doesn't understand the ramifications of his actions on us. But I know logically that the middle brother has explained it all to him and I'm sure the mom cried her ever-lovin' eyes out while she was talking to him. The stress of the unknown is enough to pull you into a deep crevasse of depression that you can never get out of. I'm hoping that as soon as we know we have a donor that some of this blackness will lift. Whether it's him or an unrelated donor - just to have someone lined up. We need some peace about this.
Between these issues and CarGuy being a bit of a snot today I'm at the end of my rope. I'll probably regret writing this tomorrow but when I started this blog I promised myself that it would be a real and open place for me and not somewhere else in my life that I have to pretend to be someone else. This is not a place for the mask of having it all together with little birdies singing sweetly at my shoulder while I put a pretty dress on. It's ugly, it's real, and it's me!
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