I've prayed and prayed that God would take this malice that I am feeling out of my heart but I still feel just as ugly about the situation as I did before. I want to yell and scream at him and ask him how he can be so horrible. How can he live with himself for treating his own flesh and blood this way? I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he doesn't understand the ramifications of his actions on us. But I know logically that the middle brother has explained it all to him and I'm sure the mom cried her ever-lovin' eyes out while she was talking to him. The stress of the unknown is enough to pull you into a deep crevasse of depression that you can never get out of. I'm hoping that as soon as we know we have a donor that some of this blackness will lift. Whether it's him or an unrelated donor - just to have someone lined up. We need some peace about this.
Between these issues and CarGuy being a bit of a snot today I'm at the end of my rope. I'll probably regret writing this tomorrow but when I started this blog I promised myself that it would be a real and open place for me and not somewhere else in my life that I have to pretend to be someone else. This is not a place for the mask of having it all together with little birdies singing sweetly at my shoulder while I put a pretty dress on. It's ugly, it's real, and it's me!
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8 comments:
Oh honey I'm so sorry. I hope you guys find a donor soon. Thinking and praying for you all.
That's right...you vent on us and just let it out!
I'm so sorry he is doing this. I'll pray God convicts his heart and he will have an open mind to the test. That he will take it and that he IS a donor. ALso, that he will stop being so ugly!!!
Much love
Betty
I am just going to throw this out there and you can use it or not depending on your mood. First of all this brother may not be a match then all your bad feelings will have been for naught. Since apparently they are not having an effect on him you need to cut yourself some slack over this to keep yourself sane. He may see the light or he may not, he certainly has a right to make decisions over his own body - I do have to say that bone marrow is not the same as giving up a kidney or a lung.
I try to talk my students into giving blood at our local blood drive - you would be surprised how scared some of them are of the idea of a needle even though it is for a good cause and they can save up to three lives. Some suck it up and find it is not so bad but others just can't deal with it. They want me to do platelets but it is so hard for me to do - there are some physical things that I don't like about it - but really since they use platelets for cancer patients and little babies are my complaints even on the same level as their problems? NO but I still don't give platelets unless they pull the premature baby that needs exactly what you have ploy, which works but I still can't give a full donation.
I am going on way too long - I guess the bottom line is that you need to take care of you and car guy, and let others deal with the brother. You may find an unrelated donor and all will be well - sorry a little Pollyanna got in there just then.
Finally, if you can't rant on your own blog then where can you?
Kathy
I am so sorry. I know you just need a hug right now and a place to vent... so please vent!
Lord, we lift up this family to you right now and ask that you give them the peace that surpass all understanding. Please fill them with your Holy Spirit, I have NO idea what they are going through but I know you do Lord. You are our Healer, our Redeemer. Please reveal yourself in these two areas in this family. Thank you, Amen.
I like your honesty and I am glad you feel free to be open here and get things off your chest when you need to. Certainly the brother will do a little thinking and then do the right thing. If not, let kharma have him. I will keep your family in my prayers.
Rene, I thought of you, your husband and family at our LTN walk last night. You have every right to be frustrated with this entire situation! I am praying that God will lead the right donor into your lives - whether it is your estranged BIL or another compassionate soul. Trust that God is still in control :)
Huge hugs - My thoughts and prayers are with you all!
I'm sorry to hear of the added stress his wonderful younger brother has brought onto you.
I hope you find a little peace knowing you can come here, vent your heart out and get support from a lot of lovely ladies!
Prayers & Hugs for you both!
Rene,
We love you just as you are, which includes rants. Get it up and out and then you'll see God work. None of us are perfect and never expect to be this side of heaven. God knows that and wanted me to remind you.
Blessings, KatTaleTennessee
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